(7 weeks ago)
Bye... bye Tundra. My being is slowly particularizing back into
the frantic Bay Area. This transition is not a comfortable one.
Natural sounds have been replaced by cars rushing by, airplanes flying
overhead, machines whirling in the background. The beautiful landscape
of plants, animals, water, and open sky is now dominated by concrete,
wires, and people rushing by. Time has suddenly accelerated as if there
are not enough minutes in the day.
(2 weeks ago)
Its been an interesting transition. Having to remember where I live and work, leaving on several road trips, interrupted by Burningman, ... has kept the pieces that made up my previous San Francisco life in suspension.
Recently however, unawares to me, reality has slowly settled. And it wasn't until this past Wednesday that I realized a familiar picture was forming before my eyes. Somehow, I have managed to flip back to an old channel! I have regressed to a previous life in the Bay Area.
*** Last Wednesday:
6:30 am. I am jarred into wakefulness by the annoying sound of my alarm. After stumbling to the coffee maker, I scurry about the apartment looking for clothes, keys and a tupperware lunch. I rush into work at 7:30. Students are already waiting in the hallway for me to open the doors to our 8am Biology tutoring. I multitask setting them up with their tutors while previewing an agenda I had written the day before. At 8:15 science teachers (and an uninvited principal) awaits my arrival to start our department meeting. The 9:30 bell interupts our work.
I rush back to the classroom. What was I going to teach today? Students noisely stream in. I can't make it to my desk without being intercepted a few times with urgent questions and immediate needs. I stare blankly at the monitor... trying to remember what I taught yesterday. The thread of my thought is distracted by a kid copying someone's else's homework while another harasses his neighbor.
Less than a minute has gone by and I already feel completely overwhelmed with the chaos and noise! My mind screams "sit down and shut the fuck up - all of you!" but instead I give the class a sweet smile and a warm "good morning!" They quiet down. This brief reprieve trigger's a motor memory. Teaching kicks in... and as always, the lesson organically unfolds.
At 11:00, I meet with the co-chair to discuss how we are going to position this year's science goals to get the department's buy in. Half an hour later, I meet with the biology teachers to design a common quiz. 12:30! Lunch time! Haaa...Two minute of silence. Interupted. Students rush in to make up quizzes, get missed assignments, serve detention, use the microwave, etc. Before I know it, the bell rings again and I have an entirely different class to teach. We are exhausted.
3pm: the end of the school day! Afternoon tutoring session commences. I am bombarded with new demands as I struggle to remember previous conversations and agreements. My mind slows to a stutter as my vision blurs out of focus. A pain tears through my stomach. I haven't eaten today. Just like I haven't eaten yesterday, or the day before, until 7pm. How did I manage (in just a month) to completely lose my footing and
fall into this mind numbing lifestyle?
An alarm sounds off in my mind. REMEMBER!!!!!! We had this discussion during the summer! We (the critical bitch and the nurturing higher self that are always arguing in my head), agreed to not slip back into the stream of unconscious living!
Before I can lose this train of thought, I pick up my purse and tell the teacher next door to take over. I peel out of the parking lot and head straight to the beach. I need somewhere quiet to just BE. To breathe. To pause. To re-evaluate.
***
I realize that my situation is not a unique one. Everyone that I know has their own version of getting sucked into the everyday whirlpool of expectations, deadlines, and the barrage of never ending things that need to get done. Probably the most common answer I get when I ask "so, how are things?", is: "busy, ...real busy." And I believe them, because the conversation taking place was booked a month in advance.
How did this stressful reality sneak back into my life? I was adamant about not falling into this trap again. And I can't help wondering: has being goal oriented, productive, hard working, and constantly self improving really brought
satisfaction????? I have come back to living in a society that defines us by what we do instead of who we are. When did achieving become more important than connecting?
We live at a break neck speed. We are overwhelmed with stimuli. We are constantly interrupted. We
sacrifice sleep. We spend more time interacting with machines than with humans. We continually compromise our health and emotional well being. Most of us now a days, are just too busy to even notice how much we have lost. What point do we need to reach, to realize that we collectively share a growing social
disorder?
